im tired damnit

many people have said, "ohh she's a good girl", "ouh she's almost so perfect", "ohh this and that", i knew they meant the way i act and do things and talk and everything that's external. maybe it's because i was taught since i was little to things the way they should be done. the right way, of course. in other words, which is more to the negative aspect, i was taught to follow the rules, not experience the situation and find the solution myself. and since i learnt to follow the rules all along, in other more negative words, i was taught to make no mistakes. i make mistakes, im like, screwed. so i got scared to make mistakes, although mistakes actually teach us to be a better person. as a saying goes, 'experience is the best teacher'. yes. people who succeed are the people who play by their own rules. but no, not me. and now, my eyes are slowly opening up. i realize all this now, today. everytime i make a mistake, i would either get scolded so badly that there wont be a slight chance that i wont break a tear or something else that's pretty much of the same range.

so now, i cant make mistakes?? im not allowed to make mistakes. am i not allowed to experience things my way? my very own way??

then, i dont want to be perfect. im not that perfect after all. i just want to be me. i want to live a life that's mine and i want to stop pleasing other people and break a tear everytime. it's alright if i break a rule. im not perfect. i dont want to be perfect in people's eyes cuz im not. they must accept the fact that nobody will ever be perfect.

look, im super tired, as some of u already know. im really tired, mama, ayah. i know im still very young but im already too tired. no words can explain what's really in my heart, but i think if i kept letting myself doing what im doing now, i'll never be able to make a change in our lives. yes, we're in lots of trouble now, i know. it's okay that you cant understand what im going through or what im feeling here inside, but it would be more than enough if you could just understand and remember that everything i do is for you. GODDAMNIT. EVERYTHING I DO IS FOR YOU. and yet, you think im taking you for granted. how my heart breaks to hear those words. mama, ayah, mazreen, pqa, safwan, adik2, abg2, everything i do is all for you guys now. not for me anymore.

dah lama nina tinggalkan diri nina. i've surrendered my life to Allah way long ago..it's just that you all never noticed, you k=never knew, cuz you all said you can see, yes u can, but u never really looked. you hear, but u never really listen. nina da lama pasrah dgn hidup nina. nina da lama serahkan hidup nina n apa2 yg akan berlaku dlm hidup nina, kepada Allah. n skarang, sume dlm fikiran nina adalah benda2 yg nina nak n kena buat untuk org2 yg nina syg. demi allah. n that's why, words can never explain what's inside here. and that's why i've always said, allah knows best. you heard me saying that, but did u really listen? no, you never have.

im living this life here, for you, all. none is for me. nothing. so give me the goddamn chance to make you happy. cuz allah has given me this chance, he has given me the strength, so please, it's time for you to let me do this..for you.